Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

mate. (STAN laughs.) Yeah, I'm just saying it should be whatever and let it flow - like Troma. EastEnders mixed with the Toxic Avenger.

STAN I'm thinking no-one will want to watch it. I'm not joking, it sounds like shite.

RUFUS Trash is love, Stan - I'll even lob in a mutant radioactive sperm-monster politician? I dunno if a cock-monster cop is pushing it?

STAN Are you four?

RUFUS Am I? I must be using your ID again.

STAN Yes, you're so fucked you think you're really the identity of your fake ID.

RUFUS(seriously, as if it's great idea.) But it's me, right? Fuck - that's pretty fucked, mate.

STAN(smiles.) No, not really - don't go there, mate!

RUFUS laughs, as STAN shakes his head in despair, hitting his head against the A4 pad.

EPISODE THREE: SAFELY-GO-LIGHTLY[softly,softly]

RUFUS and STAN watching something on a mobile phone. STAN and RUFUS both stub out smokes, turning off the mobile phone and taking out an old Nintendo DS; they start playing their games.

STAN Looks like we better watch some kids telly to get some real inspiration. Most of it's fucked and probably created by people in rehab. Fancy playing going back to mine to play Resistance first?

RUFUS I dunno...I ain't feeling too good. That Fear game's really fucked too - like the Overkill one and Bioshock. You got Killzone right?

STAN(smirking.) Somewhere. It's cool, you're fine.

RUFUS It's kicking in.

STAN What?

RUFUS(sweating, wipes his brow with his used tissue.) Don't go to the cartoon channels, Stan, we'll be there for hours again. It took me ages to recover after the last one.Some kids' telly programmes have got to be made for paedo's; it's all well sick, they make little kids look like mini-adults, then they make them interested in adult shit when we know they probably want to be footballers, or Lady Gaga! Not putting on fashion shows or trying to be talentless celebrities. It fucking sickens me - it really is a world of shit. That Alien Force thing ain't bad, though.

STAN Fuck, that's advertising for you. It's always who you know. That's why I don't get censorship! It's the way it is now. I'll get some more tea or coffee in a bit; it should be still open.

RUFUS(taking out a bottle of Bells, and lobs a pack of rolling tobacco at STAN.) I reckon we can get the Samurai Jack repeats on V.O.D., right?

STAN Shit - I didn't think of that; I was just going to rip them...Why didn't you say before?

RUFUS shrugs, as both he and STAN are transfixed by the rays of the laptop; they huddle around it, shivering.

EPISODE FOUR: UNSAFE PLACES [LIKE THE ABOVE]

RUFUS and STAN looking monged and tired, a near empty bottle of Bells, an over-flowing morass of coffee cups and other takeaway litter. STAN is checking something on his laptop; RUFUS swigs from the bottle of Bells noticing that STAN'S huge A4 recycled paper pad is still blank.

STAN Fancy watching Slugs later too? I reckon I've lost Basket Case, though.

RUFUS(coughs, sounding hoarse; hitting his legs as he can't feel them.) I dunno...you got that Cock-Head Killer-thing?

STAN Somewhere - I downloaded it ages ago.

RUFUS I'm feeling...I ain't got a clue mate, whatever. Fuck it - let's watch the lot. We'll be back here in the morning.

STAN I'm feeling it now. My bum's gone numb.

STAN tries to star jump, but he's all wobbly and just hops around, as he has pins and needles in his foot and sits back down, grimacing.

RUFUS I can't believe kid's shit can be so messed.

STAN Shit...I forgot about food. Sorry mate.

RUFUS Fuck that - where's my lighter?

STAN(yawning as he speaks.) How should I know?

RUFUS(laughing.) You had it last...Didn't you?

STAN(shrugs.) Fuck knows. Oh yeah, mate - sorry if I was on the bog in McDonalds for time; had Shredded Wheat for breakfast. Last time I have brekkie. Mister Hankey was busting some grooves in my gut all day.

RUFUS(thinking, zoning out.) Man, those kid's toons are all formulaic and have shitty little plots, some loaded connected fuck probably studied narratives on the most technical level, there wicked writer's sure - but there's nothing really there; maybe that's the fucking point? But, fuck, aren't they messed up!?

STAN Sure - you've just realised that? That is shocking, mate. I wonder how much propaganda you can hide into some vehicle like that. They should seriously study it. Tell me honestly, right? How did The Human Fist and that giant-toe-jam-alien-thing get through? That was really fucking messed. It's really funny, though - but they must study subliminal messages and shit like that.

RUFUS They must do, we all know it; it's just no-one cares now, it's all packaged-up like fluff - everything is now, isn't it? Everything's a warm cup of Ovaltine today. Stan, shit, it's exhausting trying to think about it - my mind's shot to shit. I really lost it during Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends. Thank fuck we didn't watch all of that Scruff film. It's as bad as that new Pokemon-thing. How did we resist watching more SpongeBob Squarepants and Cow and Chicken, though mate?(STAN shrugs smiling, looking baffled. He goes to sneeze but doesn't sneeze.) And those Ren and Stimpy re-runs had me seeing things - I hadn't seen them in years, man. Scooby-Dumb really did save the day for me then - I keep hearing the tune.

STAN That was funny - I saved it on my phone, too - I was giggling like a madman. I got more Batfink, but I'll stick Fritz the Cat on to chill you out - or how about watching Legend of the Overfiend again?

RUFUS(sweating.) Fuck - we should think about calling it a day.

STAN We might as well keep going now, then call it quits after we eat again.

RUFUS Pizza or chicken?

STAN Chinese?

RUFUS Indian?

STAN Oh fuck it - I got some biscuits around here. And I brought yesterday's pizza with me, if you want some?

RUFUS Yeah, sure fuck it...I'm not that hungry, anyway.

STAN Want some crisps?

RUFUS Hell yeah.

STAN(throws a pack of Doritos at RUFUS, who bursts the pack open and scoffs them. STAN clicks a remote and picks up a case, reading the back of it.) You cool to watch Frankenhooker?

RUFUS(talking to a Dorito.) Whatever.

RUFUS and STAN zone out, slowly eating their Doritos as time flies by.

EPISODE FIVE: KEEP IT SAFE

RUFUS and STAN are looking even more tired; they're looking at cut up pieces of napkin, and look thoroughly confused.

STAN Damn - this is never going to work.

RUFUS It might - if they just do it.

STAN No one will though, mate. No-one. Come on, it's a bit fucked.

RUFUS We're really selling out here - it's practically a rom-com now.

STAN(reads off a piece of the napkin.) With useless, putrifying, zombies...It's been done. Everything has in one way or another.

RUFUS Yeah, and -

STAN Let's not go there again.

RUFUS But it's funny! It can be quite fucked -

STAN I don't know about the story.

RUFUS Fuck the story - who cares these days about fucking boring stories?

STAN It needs a beginning. And a middle. Maybe an end. I suppose I'm being a bit academic about it.

RUFUS It's got it in there somewhere - you take what you want from it. It's full of fucking little events, fragments. It's like a tapestry.

STAN You've been jerking off over Burroughs recently. I told you going with Herb and Rob to that wanky Burroughs geek-fest will brainwash you forever. Maybe that was Burroughs plan. If he couldn't get the good honest folk hooked on skag and his queer ways, then he'll brainwash them with his damn good ideas!

RUFUS I just wish I thought of it all first.

STAN What a fucking jammy bastard. He was lightyears ahead of fucking everyone. Except Orwell, maybe?
 
RUFUS Yeah - it's a bummer, right?

STAN It's not our fault the book's fucked nowadays.

RUFUS Kindle will, erm, rekindle, the interest in words. Maybe. It's pretty pricey at the mo.

STAN What's the point when you can Twitter? Or just post a vid? Film yourself bashing one out, or whatever.

RUFUS Yeah, I suppose only jobless fuck-heads like us only have the time to actualy read it and write anyway. That's if you can actually read and write! Unless you're getting paid. Then you can call yourself a pro. Not like that, you know what I mean.(STAN laughs.) I suppose you can still fall back and keep filming wanking and all the rest of it if the serious stuff dries up. Wonder where it leaves you the time to look for a shit job?

STAN Good point. I gave up looking for work so long ago, I forgot I'm actually unemployable. Shit - we're going off on one again; let's get back to this: I still reckon we'll do the novel, then the tv thing, in various guises. Though we all know now the Beeb are total wankers, we'll have to muddle through it. It won't work on stage...Though you never know until you try, but that'll be unlikely; everything's damage limitation mode and needs to be done before. Though, it's not like it's got a huge budget or many props.

RUFUS That's what I was thinking. Someone must have the bottle to give it a go. That's the problem it's all D.I.Y., unless you're in the know. And money helps. But then who's got the bottle these days to do anything truly different?

STAN Well, it's not different really. It's the same as everything else, but it's a bit more unbalanced....I reckon we should save our precious benefit money to stage it ourselves. (RUFUS shakes his head at STAN, looking angry.) I know, it's unreal. We'll take years, possibly aeons to get the hire deposit ready. It's looking fucked for us. We'll remain voiceless on that front.

RUFUS(smoke hanging from his mouth, trying to get his lighter to work.) It's a bit of rich kid club now I suppose. It's all a bit ooh-ahh. Mincing poofs, the odd asylum comedy, and boring politically correct stuff. Tick-boxing, right? You need the Blackie, the Paki, the Chinkie, the Spic, the Kike, and the Aryan. And the transgendered disabled immigrant sub-plot. Need the WASP-ish lead, of course. (STAN tries to look for a lighter, taking him ages, eventually gives up looking.) Unless it's something based in the past. It's all packaged up so cutesy, it makes me sick. People do hang around with different races, right? We all know someone at some point in time - but the only emphasis they keep pushing is that this country is one happy, integrated fucking family, when in fact it's quite clearly not. It's full of lies. I've never seen anything I like in a theatre, anyway. Unless it's actually a bit pornified - then it's worth it. I know I'm sick. As long as there's blood and nudity in it, I love it. Fucked, isn't it?

STAN Don't worry mate - it's nothing new, either; it's the way