Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

of the world.(Opens a new bottle of cheap brandy.) Discrimination is equality because then people can feel scarred by the experience and write about it.

RUFUS Yeah, some wanky blog no-one reads.

STAN We might read it?

RUFUS That's not really the point - is it?

STAN At least someone will read it.

RUFUS Fuck - it's so depressing.

STAN Yes, I suppose. But it's life.

RUFUS Fuck...Can't we -

STAN Don't suggest ripping off Weird Science again.

RUFUS But mate...the geeks, yeah, check it: the geek characters can be like sitcom writers. We can get Ronnie Corbett out of retirement.

STAN Dream on, mate. He hasn't retired, has he?

RUFUS I don't know. But we can get them as burnt-out writers. getting paid, getting hassle from the shitty system, doing some shitty PC wank called Bin-Skin-Oaks. That can be the name of the series?

STAN It's a bit obvious. I mean, you'd have to thick not to -

RUFUS What?

STAN Well, it's a bit two-dee. We need real characters. Like Fletcher out of Porridge and -

RUFUS Man, if we were living in the fucking Seventies or Eighties, we'll be able to go as two-dee as we wanted. No-one cares what their fucking Granny did - all that back-story bullshit. Fucking Fry and Laurie didn't have to worry about fucking back-story!

STAN But they were funny. We're not.

RUFUS We're not meant to be - this is meant to be fucking saying something, like, really you know...Fucking transen-thingy, all kind of karma-versal.

STAN Mate - you're a sound bloke most of the time, but you're so full of shit at times, it's unreal.

RUFUS At least I'm being honest about it - who wants to be fucking liked anyway?

STAN Good point, you might have something there. I suppose most people are arseholes - myself included.

RUFUS I was about to include you also, don't worry.

STAN Fuck it's tough thinking of shit. I reckon we'll be needing a lot of crack by the end of the night.

RUFUS I got a link -

STAN I was joking...(Sniffing.) Though something's in the air, right?

RUFUS Oh...So you don't want -

STAN Look, let's try and focus for once.

RUFUS I tell you what - how about we piss around, and just see what happens, if it don't happen it don't happen and let's just relax.

STAN Yeah, fuck it. I suppose it's better than paying a oner - or more - for some wanky course.

RUFUS Hell yeah. Look, Stan, I don't want to call it brainstorming or anything, but we really need some solid idea - maybe one or two solid central charatcers. It's all about the people right?

STAN Fuck it - I reckon we should make predictions, like in the really old sci-fi-horror and see if they come true.

RUFUS Stan, shit - that's a good idea. But that's -

STAN I know it's been done, but it can be more than just distorted time piecing. Watchmen mixed with The Class of Nuke 'Em High with a bit of Only Fools and Horses and The Killing Fields thrown in for your warped mind.

RUFUS(seriously.) Shit - that actually sounds good.

STAN(baffled.) What?

RUFUS Isn't that a good idea? It's our first mate!

STAN(seriously.) No, seriously Rufus - I was pissing around.

RUFUS That's wicked though - we could say things sort of political, I don't know much about that shit, but general shit like tha USA will get a Gay Hispanic female President and a Gay Black Woman Vice-President. They can live together at the White House. Shit - that'd be mental.

STAN That's not bad. I'm clearly not political, in fact, I'm like lots of people: I really don't give a shit; I tend to be annoyed more about employment sectors and single-issues more than society at large, so I don't complain, I expect it to be shit. We're fucking human, right? But then again I suppose everything's political, we just can't be arsed with it. (RUFUS laughs, but shrugs, looking slightly baffled.) But I think what you've said is stretching it -

RUFUS But it's worth a pop?

STAN I guess, but it's a waste of time; we'll be rejected.

RUFUS Isn't it always about time? I mean we need decades right?

STAN I don't know. There seems to be nothing immediate for us to access. It's quite helpless.

RUFUS It's a fucking lottery. We should claim discrimination.

STAN Can you be that arsed?

RUFUS Yeah, true. It sounds like a long-shot.

STAN No, it sounds like bollocks. And we just want to do something. Anything. All we've had ideas on is our main characters might be zombies that go 'Urrgggh'. A lot. I reckon it's a good to do hero zombies, but really, can we really be on the zombies side?

RUFUS Zombies get a tough time, mate. It's not like they got any say in coming back from the dead right? That's got to be a good start. What else we got again?

STAN(showing RUFUS the blank pad of A4 paper; smiling.) Am I annoying you yet? Is this driving you crazy, too?

RUFUS Fuck yeah.

STAN(beat.) Let's enjoy the weather.

RUFUS You want a time out?(STAN looks annoyed.) Don't worry - we've just got to be positive.

STAN(laughs.) Now that's bullshit!

RUFUS(with a straight-face.) Yeah...I know. Fuck we're really going no-where with this. Let's have a two-minute silence to think. Just pure thinking. Like...a diarrhoea of ideas; some relieving dumpage of thought.

STAN(annoyed again.) Don't say that - I'll have to go shit again.

RUFUS Well, it's just the way it comes out...I'll shut up...Get the pens ready, Stan.

RUFUS and STAN struggle to think; both looking slightly baffled and slightly annoyed.

EPISODE SIX: EVERYTHING'S MEH [Meh?]

RUFUS and STAN are looking shocked they still have not come up with anything. The page is still blank on the open A4 paper pad. They both look really tired now, they have been at it for a long time, but both of their concentration spans are failing, as is time. STAN yawns, looking for some rolling papers, dropping his lighter. RUFUS blows his nose on a tissue, looking a bit ill, looking up at the sky.

STAN It's not really gone to plan.

RUFUS I don't care now. Should've stuck to photography.

STAN Should've thought about deejaying!

RUFUS No way, mate, I'm no muso.

STAN I was joking. All that ego-shit as well.

RUFUS I can beatbox a bit if you -

STAN I will beat you if you start -- no offence.

RUFUS(smiles, his eyes barely open; sounds shocked.) None taken; I get that response a lot...Shit...I can't believe we came up with nothing, Stan.

STAN I'm calling time on it. It's boring me now. Alright, last thought, in Jerry Springer's Final Thought mode here: a prediction thing; A real Jim Morrison moment here, Rufus; I reckon there'll be games like what Burt Reynolds likes where you can make your own shit up; music, films, whatever. And you can make your own professional looking virtual films by capturing anything from the worldwideweb, or your cam. It'll be easy and it'll fuck the film world if they don't go with it and it'll get smaller and more people will be cool to access things. It'll be less of a club. I suppose the harsh thing is that everyone is meant to be obsessed by fame. But we're not - so they're might be others like it too. they just want to put their ideas out there. animation might become alot easier too. I reckon it'll happen, you can turn one of little ideas into a massive epic. You get me?

RUFUS Not really; it sounds pretty much like what's slowly happening anyway.

STAN Shit really? Fuck...I don't know. Fuck prediction-stuff then. I hate all that anyway.(RUFUS shrugs, wiping his nose again.) Shit, time's really flown by. We better think about calling it a day.

RUFUS Yeah, I got to...What was I meant to be doing?

STAN Do I look like your P.A?

RUFUS(thinking about what he was meant to be doing.) Erm...Umm?

STAN I don't know shit - like you, mate.(RUFUS sniggers, trying to think of something to say.) But I've got to get some more milk in a bit, I promised thingy I'd get some.

RUFUS Shit, Stan, I'm gutted we wasted all this time.

STAN It was fine - I'd've only watched all that shite on my own anyway! It was healthyish getting out to the park. It wasn't too bad for me.

RUFUS(smirks.) Yeah, it's cool.

STAN I did think, briefly, of a book-idea. More of a variation-tweak really. It's been done, of course. But...always a but -

RUFUS(shaking his head, disappointed.) But then you figured you haven't read one for ages, right?

STAN Yep.(Yawns.) Boring shitty books. I just don't do it no more. Secretly, I blame higher education for making you hate reading - but that's a conspiracy theory of mine. But I really can't be fucked to stick it out anymore. I'd be quite happy to never read another academic book ever again.

RUFUS(rubs his eyes.) I don't know what's good...It's all meh...you know?

STAN Don't be too down, mate. It's mostly meh.

RUFUS No-one says 'meh' do they?

STAN I've never heard people say it - seen it written down a lot - but maybe the future is meh. It must've been spoken before - hasn't everything?

RUFUS(shrugs, looking unsure, picking up the A4 paper pad and a pen and starts to doodle on it.) It's gotta be an American idea or saying - this shit country thinks of nothing; we're a little rip-off America as usual.

STAN True. But then again we could get historical.

RUFUS Very clever-clever Stan - no-one like's a smug smart-ass, though! (STAN smirks, looking smug.) But it's all breeze now - who cares today?(Blows his nose again, as STAN counts some loose change he's found in his pocket.) What about a book then?

STAN Well a book's a book, right? Say what you like, pretty much. It's D.I.Y.You've got to sell it really, like anything. But then again, it can just be left outthere, so to speak. Not too much schmoozing involved and you can cut out the middle-wankers if you're like...well, us. It's all there. Leave it, know where it is, forget about it and let it collect dust like the billions of others. Simple. Freedom, right? Just alienated. It's the same as a website, blog or e-book no-one bothers to read or look at. It's still debatable, but it's possible, that the book-form's less environmentally friendly though. Short stories are a bit wanky now, though I wish everything was a short story.

RUFUS I never thought of it like that.

STAN But then again, the last book I read was Killer in Drag.

RUFUS I agree there mate - I can't handle reading anything too heavy now. That one might be funny, though. Who it by?(STAN shrugs.) I