Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

RUFUS I don't know. I really don't know. I thought it was all to do with free speech.

STAN It's a myth. We might be able to hide our message. If we had lived during the Sixties, we wouldn't've had this problem. Just finding a platform, a funded platform that is.

RUFUS You can only do that if you are connected. In the know. The loop. The people. The network - network the network, right? Facilitating to shit - co-ordinating the co-ordinator. Maybe, if you can, fuck a famous director, producer or some performer - or any minor celeb. Or just fuck - a lot. That always works, right?

STAN We can't network well can we?

RUFUS I wish I was a model at times! But maybe the amount of dross out there will cover up what we've done anyway. Stick it all on some blog and let it go. It'll be it's own isolated virtual memorial.

STAN I reckon it's not a bad idea for a skit.Nothing full-length though - no reader will want to read it.

RUFUS I reckon we need to re-do and re-jig bits - the few words we've got, that is! You ain't even put it down.(STAN laughs, shaking his head because he thinks it's shit really.) And we don't want to get done for libel.

STAN What's the point now? Just make it up as we go. We get done, we get done - I don't know how we can get away with it.Look at every threat or fear. I mean terrorists moan about democracy, but when it comes to posting something or getting it out there, it's hot news - everyone gets to see it. But a fake terrorist group isn't funny, comedy terrorism is like comedy bands - pretty embarrassing. Like watching your Uncle lapdance for you. Not that's happened to me,I hasten to add.

RUFUS That's slightly different though mate - that's fucked up political shit. With us we've just got a skit of fucked-uppedness about fucked-up political shit going down in this country! Seriously mate - think about it? - who wants to watch two people chatting shit about what they're fucking trying to write!? It's already out there, right?

STAN Good point...Still, this is getting semi-trippy...I've had worse. Look at Moving Wallpaper. It's all getting a bit wanky as well whe you start laughing at manufacturing shit; stick to events mate. And it's sounding way too post-times-infinity-modern for me. Especially in our delicate modem age - we know it's going to get worse. But that's catching on now, isn't it?

RUFUS Is it?

STAN Didn't you watch the porno where the bird is trapped in Jane Austen's world?

RUFUS Who? That out of Double-Dip-'Em?

STAN No - the chick-flick-book shit! You know they force kids to read it?

RUFUS(slurps more of his tea.) Isn't it from the Eighties?

STAN Erm, mate, it's a wee bit older than that.

RUFUS Shit...really?

STAN I don't really care, but the point being the chick went into - no I'm getting it mixed with a lesbo-shower-orgy-pop-up.

RUFUS I paid for that, too. Thank fuck for Live-Streaming.

STAN No, no - it's about the literary-

RUFUS It must be a cultish time piece - like Pulp Fiction.

STAN Now you're chatting shit! That's going back sometime, but they're bring them all back now and.... shit...wait!(RUFUS goes to speak but STAN interrupts him.) We've gone off on it, we're meant to be going all -

RUFUS(giggles.) I find it all a bit wanky to be honest, mate.

STAN(sneezes.) Weird germs - I hate when that happens! I just rid of a cold. Shit - everything's against us; even the world...(RUFUS laughs, shaking his head, tries to relax.) So why don't we research something?

RUFUS Like exploited drugged-up illegal immigrant sex-working happy-slappers? Very Channel Four - they're wankers, they love soft shit like that. As long as you don't make it too gritty -- fake poser gritty is fine -- it'll need a PC cast, and a glossy photo-shoot. Happy slapping is shitty, too - it ain't even real fighting. They only report it when someone's dead though, right?

STAN You know they're called Fanny-Slappers in the States?

RUFUS(wipes his nose on a well-used tissue.) You're fucking with me?

STAN Land of the free and mass pornography. How can we compete?

RUFUS The good will out - somehow! I reckon I gave you me cold, mate?(STAN smiles, and shrugs.) Sorry...that gets me thinking...Shit, I thought it was going to be easier doing something topical!

STAN This ain't really going to get accepted anywhere. And don't suggest some weird flu-idea either. I know what your thinking!

RUFUS(annoyed STAN'S guessed what he was thinking.) I won't get farty on you, don't worry. We'll cut it down. I reckon that Streets-bloke beat us to it. You know his docu-thingy? I thought it was funny.

STAN Stop the press, mate, it wasn't real - we all know it was another mockumentary. I'm bored with everything, it's getting me down. Thinking is evil and so is boredom - but why does this society encourage so much bland boring shit. I bet it's a move to get to people in gyms or to go cycling or rambling. Who seriously goes rambling in this shithole anyway? I'll probably be surprised, but it's got to be some Nanny-State tactic.(RUFUS shrugs, smirking.) Want another cuppa from that manky cafe?

RUFUS(struggling to roll up again,taking ages.) Go on then - a quick cuppa why not. Let's try not to chat footie though - I'll be here for hours. And Palace are being odd again; they've missed the boat this season. You know I said I got shit at the job centre to sort, too - then more stress at the bank.

STAN What happened to the new job?

RUFUS It didn't happen - that's the funny thing. I wasn't diverse enough, though I tried to be nice. I don't think they liked me. I like to think it was part of a drive to cut back their work-force; makes you less cynical if you think like that - trust. The time's just against me. Even if you wonder how the rest kept their jobs!

STAN Oh, right - it's like that! Well, I don't really do jobs; they're a bit -

RUFUS Yes, I know. I'm working towards a state-funded trust. Praise ye olde D.W.P!

STAN That's the way I see it. It's a merry-go-round for me. We'll never earn the big money - or even the decent money! - those that do can pick up the bill; they're greedy fuckers anyway. I've nothing against them - we need them paying for shit, if we don't let them dodge shitloads. But then again, we should try to find somewhere to do something. I suppose it's still all about money.I think Orwell said something like that, right?

RUFUS(doesn't know, looking confused, but sounds annoyed.) Stan, I'm not joking - we can't say anything too offensive these days; but we can show shitloads of violence and porn. Big Brother can't stop it. Can do even more messed up stuff if it's all animated, though. Which can be well long; I can draw too good.

STAN I see.I've never animated, though I feel re-animated at times.(RUFUS stares oddly at STAN, who smiles at him.) But you know they're closing the net on the, erm, you know, err, net these days. Graphic violence is very cartooned now anyway, really over-the-top; and most horror stuff is tame, and really over-stylized. Have you noticed that it also doesn't dwell on the gore or the act of violence for too long now. It's all about the thought of the really fucked-up shit. It's more concerned about the thrash, techno-ish or emo soundtrack making it all look cool. You see, we can show stuff, but it's got to be approved. They - that's the powers-that-be - think we might be part of that thrill kill cult. I mean, not that we'd want to go there anyway. I reckon we either do something very politically correct. Stick in some token binge drinking or random self-abuse, and any type of random explosion or act of violence. Set it in Bromley - no, Lewisham. No even worse: Canning Town. It was rated worse than all of Baghdad once, which I'm sure is a very nice place now - though I haven't been yet, it definitely doesn't soun good; I know Canning Town a lot better. I don't know how the press came to that conclusion about the Canning Town and Baghdad comparison, though.(RUFUS laughs.) And don't mention Muslims, Christians, Scientologists - in fact, anything about religion or anything to do with ethnicity, sexuality and politics. No war - it's so boring now anyway. You need to be a really established arse-licker to be given the platform to say something about that anyway. War, war, war - it needs a bloody new image then we'll see what it's good for!

RUFUS(still laughing.)I reckon that might work...but we need some-

STAN Then to replace any realistic implication of a violent gang conflict or any violence - we'll do a choreographed dance-off. Or even a Guitar Hero battle?

RUFUS Shit - that sounds funky. Call it something like Beat Shit - though it's sounds like homage to M.J.

STAN It still sounds like a home-made-scat-porno to me...But I'll get Wilf on the soundtrack - that posh fucker's got a real rock-solid trust-fund and a recording studio.

RUFUS Mate, his band are a bit -

STAN They're poppy and appeal to all markets. They're trying to be all-embracing. Rufus, you snob, being popular doesn't always mean selling out, right? I suppose it does mean being a bit dull.But that's fine. It's safe, remember? And he's trying to break the market with a safe brand. Everything's a fucking brand now. He'll be playing Koko in a couple of years.

RUFUS(laughing.) But he's almost a pensioner and they're -

STAN Don't be against the elderly now! No wonder you're unemployed - you're not being a team player!

RUFUS Before you jumped in, voice of the people, I was going to say gay. But that's probably not allowed as well, right?

STAN Mate, you have to accept everything today and make sure no-one is hurt. We're all victims and everything's soft, soft, soft.

RUFUS That's a good title - We're All Victims. Soft, soft, soft's not bad either; it's true though, isn't it?

STAN True Britain's always confused state. Cotton Wool Britain; that's what it is today. Pure shit.

RUFUS No, that's too obvious for a title...I don't know, maybe it'll-

STAN Too obvious? What is?

RUFUS Was that meant to be a joke?

STAN I think we can use that bit just then. We'll lob it in for episode two somewhere. Hopefully we'll get a few more hits than the finger-dancing to Daft Punk on YouTube.

RUFUS Fuck it mate, that's wicked. It's really fucky - it does your eyes in though, but it's great fingering!

STAN Easy mate - we'll get into trouble with puns like that.

RUFUS(shrugs.) What happened to good sharp digs at everything? I mean, if you produce it and all of that - why can't people just take that we're all free, I mean, it shouldn't be deemed offensive if it can be justified, right? It goes on? Look at