Not So Short Shorts by Colin Peterson and George O'Sullivan (classic children's novels .TXT) 📕

porn in it; it was really tame and shitty.That really blew porn for me, I can't watch it again, and I don't want to be a vampire now. Audrey, I love you, will you mar--

WANKUM(pulling STOCKMAN towards him, as if to hurt him with the remote control.) I need sacrifices. I'm sorry, I'll shoot. I mean, I'll remote him. I can summon magical aid, too. I'll turn this remote into a weapon.

AUDREY Go ahead, the zen lifeforce trickling down this system will protect me! Stockman wants to die anyway!

WANKUM Oh, I forgot - he really is some non-existent little prick.(STOCKMAN is frozen solid, as if he is scared of the magic remote control, WANKUM holds.) Well, I need to perform my ritual. All of you, take off your clothes now! You must all be naked! Then I want you to have a blood orgy and swim in each others' faeces: consume it and wallow in it all after you've become one! You must feel everything to truly penetrate each other; go at it, while I observe your unique habits from this dark corner. I just need to get my camera angles set up and loosen my --

STOCKMAN(begging WANKUM and AUDREY) Wow! Is this a real sabbat? Will I get image rights? Can we talk contracts? I'm just as lovely as Mimeychops, you know - what's her Geordie face? I can be like that. Just lovely. I'll tow the line, I won't question a thing. I can cry real tears in seconds, and make it look believable at the drop of a hat. I won't do it now, you know, germs in the air and all. But I can even do plastic smiles for hours - days even! I can be worth it, I'm pretty worth it! I'm a bargain basket kinda dude! And I'm completely talentless(Expecting them to be impressed. WANKUM and AUDREY yawn; they are bored by STOCKMAN. STOCKMAN looks nervous, it's as if he is making a failing final sales pitch.) And I'm positive: I think I'm lovely! It's just a shame I'm not undead and getting around. Just imagine the career opportunities! And did you know, Wankum, I'm an ordinary guy who's a former amateur porn star? And I'm sure I was vampire in a previous life; I dream red blood seas, everynight. That can work, right?

WANKUM I'm going to kill you first - for the demon Quo-Tatar-Tooma-Dooma! I am not making this up, you dumb fucks! I'll summon the higher demon, Och! Oh hear Och's cock - Shit, I didn't mean to get it wrong. I'll start again.

AUDREY karate chops WANKUM on the back of the head, he drops the remote control and releases STOCKMAN. TISCHO comforts STOCKMAN, cradling him like a baby. STOCKMAN tries to suckle from her bosom, but TISCHO keeps slapping his hands away. WANKUM stumbles around, stunned by the karate chop, looking dizzy. AUDREY then knees him in the groin. WANKUM laughs. AUDREY goes to hit with the bulky crucifix and WANKUM cowers, expecting to be hit.

AUDREY He's possessed!

WANKUM It's lucky I'm on medication and can't feel any pain. I'm really loaded at the moment!

AUDREY Curse you, you foul freak! What have you done?

WANKUM That's it, I'm going to kill all of you!

AUDREY Back, devil, back!

WANKUM I am Chief Wankum - I am no devil. I am saving you, you evil fucker of heads! I'm just giving a good scare!

AUDREY Reveal yourself!

WANKUM Is this the bit where it all crosses over with a computer game? I tried that remote, I think it's run out of batteries. Where's the effects then? It's something interactive, right? You must have the budget for it? It's far out, isn't it? Hang on, I've got no headphones, so it can't be a silent disco thing. Must be something really arty and really now. I love that story-story thing; I really hate pointless fragmented episodes, you know? Wait a mo, did you want me to go online? Bloody pretentious fucking --

AUDREY We're not from Soho, dear boy! It's fine, our poor lost soul!

WANKUM Stop talking to me like that, I am no lost soul!(Winking). I can be a devil, though.

AUDREY Can I see your penis?

WANKUM What?

AUDREY A demon has a massive member, does he not?

WANKUM It depends on your idea of massive, doesn't it?

AUDREY Is that a 'yes'? You must know, Wankum, it's the only way to verify if you truly are a demon.

STOCKMAN I'm so pleased I made this now. It's worth the twenty thousand euros I paid for it.

AUDREY Don't worry about him, he's a moron. I am the real soothesayer!

TISCHO Yeah, cheers for sorting this one out, Audrey. You know, I've not had my equity card long and this was the only gig going for ages, until I got another wenching. I'm pleased, though, as it gets me doing different accents and things. It's not quite the character stuff I --

WANKUM Excuse me ladies, I'm trying to be a demonic soul!

AUDREY No, a devil - you fucking amateur!

WANKUM It's the same thing, isn't it?

AUDREY Semantics can be annoying, but there is a huge difference from an electromagnetic demonic entity and your standardised devil.

WANKUM Right, I didn't know.

STOCKMAN Sacrifice me! Go on, I'm so bored with the twenty-first century and it's constant repeats. Ooh the eighties is cool again - oh no, it's the nineties! - then back to the fake hippy bullshit! I hate it, it's all total bullshit. I want to end it all, I want to be undead again! Please! I can't stack shelves for the rest of my days. I'm a shelf-stacker called Stockman. Doesn't that tell you anything about my destiny? I see no way out.

WANKUM You have some fucked up ideas, Stockman. Be satisfied with your station; capitalism will find a way to spank you daily and slowly shaft you.

AUDREY He paid for these experiences, he can do what he wants with them.

WANKUM How did you pay for them?

STOCKMAN Someone else's credit card, of course! You don't think I had credit, did you?

WANKUM Oh right. That makes sense.

STOCKMAN How did you pay?

WANKUM I found a coupon in an old copy of The Fortean Times.

STOCKMAN History man, eh? That's smart. You surfing the dull books?

WANKUM No, it was by chance, at a car boot sale in Bovingdon. One of the biggest car boots I've ever seen.

STOCKMAN Cool.

AUDREY Are you transmorphing yet?

WANKUM Will you shut up, I'm trying to think!

AUDREY We might need to perform a sabbat after all!

TISCHO I'll clock off in a bit.

AUDREY You can stay and watch: you might learn something!

TISCHO I don't know. I've got some politically correct exposure theatre-in-education gig to show up at the B.A.C; I'm playing the second wench, so I don't know if I --

AUDREY It's up to you, Mimi?

TISCHO(checks a really thin, slimline, pocket diary with tiny pen.) I've got to check my diary, give me a sec.

STOCKMAN I'm going to be sired? Will you invite me to the wayzgooses? I know what you elitist printing house types are like! I just want to be accepted! Will you invite me, Audrey?

AUDREY Maybe. It's a committee thing about you being sired, though.You've only done the phone interview.

STOCKMAN So there is more sex magick?

AUDREY Not for you, you'll be dead!

STOCKMAN Oh yeah, right. That's a shame.

AUDREY Yes, well the pressures of the undead aren't all that exciting. Ask our lost soul, Chief Wankum.

WANKUM Look, I'm not a Chief, I'm not even a Native American Indian. I'm an undercover reporter for Conspirofact. A website that lifts the lid on scams like this. I'm showing you con artists a lesson!

AUDREY Ha! We got it - it plays tricks!

STOCKAMN Yes, I hear it.

AUDREY I bet it's secretly filmed us?

WANKUM I might have. You better let me go!

AUDREY I am sorry you fake Chief; I am the soothesayer and you must die!

STOCKMAN That sounded sooo coool, like right out of some retro horror movie.

WANKUM(to STOCKMAN) You're really getting on my sundanced tits, you know that? You know you're being taken for a mug?

AUDREY (to TISCHO.) You might want to seduce him. I'm asuming you've done escort jobs before? Don't worry - it doesn't need full penetration.

WANKUM What?

TISCHO Will this count as overtime?

AUDREY Like you've got laid recently?

TISCHO Well, no not really I haven't the time for romance. Maybe the odd wasted one nighter, but it's so tough in this world. The last time I had a one night stand I got -

AUDREY I don't want to hear it - just attach yourself to this cretin.

STOCKMAN Great! I'm a cretin! I always wanted to be one!

AUDREY You're getting on my nerves, too.

STOCKMAN Will I be a vampire?

WANKUM You've a better chance of being an umpire!

STOCKMAN Really? Are they related to vampires?

WANKUM You what?

AUDREY Ignore the simpleton. Take me on - take on me - you lost soul!

AUDREY and WANKUM are staring hard at each to see who will blink first.

TISCHO (to STOCKMAN; fake Asian accent) Ooh, you're so cute - ooh, you're making me soo hot and hornee.

STOCKMAN Can we make pre-death love?

TISCHO What?

STOCKMAN I want to put 'I Love The Dead' on, it's so much more romantic that way.

TISCHO Really? Can I check my diary again?

STOCKMAN I'll serenade you?

TISCHO No, please don't - you're freaking me out!

STOCKMAN starts smothering himself over TISCHO who looks scared and is frozen as STOCKMAN tries to simulate rigor mortis dry humping. STOCKMAN then chews on TISCHO'S thin diary. TISCHO screams.

AUDREY Come on then Chief, reveal your hiddden camera to me!

WANKUM You're sick! I've got you bang to --

WANKUM staggers and clutches his chest, falling down, passing out.

AUDREY I suppose you want my help now, lost soul.

AUDREY laughs, as TISCHO still screams.

STOCKMAN This was so worth it. You guys are really realistic.

TISCHO(traumatised.) NO! Not saliva on my diary! You dirty, filthy, beast!

AUDREY I know. Did you enjoy it, Tischo?

TISCHO faints as STOCKMAN bends over her, and licks her face like some hungry animal. AUDREY howls as she puts on the crucifix, as a strap-on dildo, and appears behind STOCKMAN.

AUDREY Do you want to fall from grace, Stockman?

STOCKMAN Take me, I'm yours!

AUDREY Drop ye cacks!

STOCKMAN(drops his trousers while bending over the stricken TISCHO) Amen!

AUDREY You shall feel demonic magick - the real demonic experience - and make us all one We'll find that poor man's lost soul! And maybe he will tell us all his secrets!

STOCKMAN I don't know, do I?

AUDREY Maybe you do?

STOCKMAN Find out why then! PURGE ME AUDREY!

A thunder storm sounds, just as darkness engulfs them and AUDREY is about to violently thrust the crucifix strap-on dildo into STOCKMAN'S exposed rectum.