Everyday Thoughts. by Gabby Follin (ebook offline reader txt) 📕

I tell myself you do to make these feelings for you calmer but then feelings of you hating me or something unwanted make the feelings stronger.

I want to touch you. I want to walk with you. I want to talk to you. I want to see you. 

It hurts ya know? 

A little too much, more than it should. 

When someone says your name my heart flutters then those flutters turn to pounds of pain aching through my chest realizing where we are now. 

But maybe this is just how a new beginning starts. 

Who knows? Maybe it is.. Maybe its just the ending. 

Which would be competely reasonable considering how its been going so far. 

I dont want you to forget me, thats all I can ask for. 

I won't forget you, I obviously haven't. 

Its diflcult to keep thoughts of you from lingering in my mind. Even if they're way back there, they still seem to make it front seat. 

I really wish they'd just stay back there, so the streams of tears I shed will stay minimal. The more I think, the more I realize how many parts I fucked up. 

It hurts me, and I'd like to think you think this too. 

But I'm not just guilty here, you're not quite innocent either. After we parted ways I realized some pieces of this story fit together and figured out the shit you tried to pull. If I could I'd argue with you about it but I feel like doing that will put us in a more hurtful world where we can't fix much. 

Now that I'm thinking about it I would honestly be okay with just us fucking, I'd get t see you. Feel you. Kiss you. Fondle you. Have you... Just for a while even is okay. 

I just want you again. 

I want you to want me too. 

It's been quite a while, it has been so long, hasn't it? We haven't talked, we're making small talk now, but we weren't before. Before, we were pretending that neither of us existed to each other. But now we do exist, but we're not as important as they first were. 

You won't talk to me, the way I want you to anyway. Not the way you used to.

But I do, because I still care for you and I especially still love your stupid face. 

You start to open up but I'd like to think you're just scared, and you clam up again and shut up. I don't want you to do that, I'd like to think you don't either. 

You say I don't know you anymore.

You said that to me, you said you don't care anymore.

Then why are you still here?

There's some part of you that has to care, but if there's not, what the hell are you still doing here? 

If you don't care, you're unwanted, leave me alone.

I just lied to myself and you, I do want you regardless of what you think of me. 

You do realize I know so much about you, I let you talk. You've had your share of my attention. 

You talk all the time, and most would hate that, but... I find it mesmorizing to see you talk.

It's interesting about how you use words, I know some of your beliefs, your opinions. I know that you absolutely adore the color purple. I know you prefer soccer over football anyday, I know that you play the clarinet (very good too), I know you don't know your dad, I know you have family issues, I know it's hard for you to open up and carry out, and I know you still care about me. 

You must, you just...

Must. 

I feel kind of silly for having all these prolonged feelings for some stupid boy that obviously doesn't care for me. 

But that's just how I am, I get feelings, they don't go away till I satisfy them. It's not me, it's just how my brain works. 

My brain is me though...

I am so sorry. 

To you guys, to him, to myself.

I am childish. 

I am fucked over because of this.

I fucked myself over for this. 

It's childish, isn't it? 

It shouldn't be though, they're things that can affect you, feelings can affect you, can't they? 

Feelings like this is why I write, it makes me feel a little better on the inside to know people know about these things.

But every once in a while I feel a little childish to keep writing about the same thing, but at the same time, it's something interesting to write about. 

It's sad, it's childish, it's pointless.

But it makes good art. 

Around you, I can breathe. Around you, I can feel great. Around you, I feel a little more like myself. Around you, I'm alive. Around you, I'm vibrant. Around you, I smile.

Around you, It's lovely. Around you, I'm happy.

Around you, it's the best place I could be.

Around you, is where the sadness leaves.

Around you, is where my heart skips a beat.

Around you, is where my thoughts are just of you.

Around you, it doesn't hurt.

Around you, everything is numbed.

Around you, I'm a nervous wreck.

Around you, you make me feel things I don't usually.

Being around you is the best.

But I'm not around you.

And all the things I have just listed off are the opposite when you're away. 

I haven't seen you in a while.

My heart isn't happy.

I kind of wish your's wasn't either, maybe then would you want to see me. 

But oh well.

You don't care anyway, that's what you like to say. 

I can push these feelings and thoughts away and put a fake smile on my face and pretend it's real, but the truth is...

I love you.

So dearly.

I've come to the conclusion that, right now, you are all that I want.

I want you, I need you, I like you, I care for you, I love you.

Right now, that is the truth.

Right now, that's what I need and want.

Right now, that's just what is is.

I'm sorry, but not. 

I just hope you can see that soon enough.

And I hope that it's the same.

But oh well

Who knows anyway?

Maybe it'll all go just as planned, but maybe it can go as a complete disaster.

We'll just have to sit back and watch I suppose.

Otherwise, how will we find out?

Can't coware around, you have to do something.

But the question is.

What will be done? 

 I am so very sick. I honestly hate myself right now because of how bad it is. I can't move a centimeter without wanting to sneeze my brain out. Ahhhh! 

Since I have nothing really going on, mostly because I can't, I plan on writing more.

Not only in this book, but in my other two books that I have on. 

One of them is published, "Don't be a Dick". I have a few chapters published in that book so if you're interested in something dark, go on over and read the beginning chapters of that. My other book has not been put up, mostly because I only have one chapter done in that book. I am sorry for that but I've been so unmotivated, I can't even think much. 

And I know, sweeping down low using my most popular book to promote my others, yeah yeah. But I mean, the first book I mentioned, I have big plans for that book and if you like this one, I'm sure you'll like that one. 

Here's the description of "Don't be a Dick" just in case you're interested: 

Hi. I’m Mark. Mark Phanelley. I’m a 16 year old kid who’s pretty happy with life. I’m turning 17 at the end of this year, the last day of school. I’m a sophomore in Greene High School. I live with my parents, I don’t have any siblings. It’s just me and them. I don’t mind, I hear all the time how everyone fights with theirs, so maybe it’s a plus? Tomorrow is the first day of sophomore year, I’m pretty excited. Mostly because I’ll finally get to see my best friend Alex after about a month. We had hung out a bunch at the beginning of summer but it slowly got to where we didn’t even text. It was probably just something to do with his family.. He doesn’t live in a great environment. His mother doesn’t care for him, when she does it’s not helpful, while his father beats her and him every night when he gets home from the bar.

But that’s not really the case I suppose. He’s my friend, I’m his. I’m there for him when he needs it, I try not to complain much. He’s basically a loser in our school though, that’s why it’s important for me to be there for him. But that changes ya know? It changed.

And it costed something.

Many things actually.

But oh well…. He just had enough I guess.

I get it though, I forgive you…

That's the description for my book "Don't be a Dick" 

I think I have done a good job on the first few chapters, but I don't know, you guys be the judge.

If you have any opinions or something nice to say about this book or my others, please message or comment on them! I'd be so glad to read them. I'd also appreciate a favorite, that just let's me know I should get off my ass and get to work! 

I know, most of this chapter is just promoting my books, I know lame, but I'm just saying, if you like my writing, there's more so read it! Please! 

I'd like to shout out my friend Jocelyn for favoriting a book I wrote about two years ago, she is really nice and I'd encourage you guys to befriend her and check her profile out too! She's a good person.

Anyway though, I hope you all have a lovely day. Thank you all for the support, and