Everyday Thoughts. by Gabby Follin (ebook offline reader txt) 📕

 I appreciate your honesty, I appreciate you. I appreciate everything you've done, and the you that I knew. 

But I just wanted to tell you I am sorry.

That I am just a crazy bitch. 

 I beg for your attention and I think you feed on it. I beg for your affection and it's like that helps you sleep through the night knowing I want you. I beg for your appearance in my vision and I guess it strengthens you that I will do anything to see you. I beg for you, I tell you I want you and I guess that's your way of telling me that you'll use me but not love me. 

I beg for lots of things for you and I feel like you get by day to day using that, putting it in the back of your mind till the end of the day, late at night. You remember me then, and all that I have done and yet to do, and you decide to make me feel like the most special thing in the world. That's when I start to put feelings there that don't exist at all, and I start to think you might miss or still like me. I make myself think this is your way of coming back, I make myself think that you still care and you are still infatuated with me.

That's when you use me, for your pleasure. Literally. 

You ask me to smash and at that time I say yes because literally anything and everything that has to do with you, the answer is already yes.

You tell me I'm beautiful, you tell me I'm the best you've ever had, and... You tell me you love me. You tell me you never want to lose me. You tell me that nothing will tear you apart from me. You tell me all these idealic things, and... Of course I fall for it. I'm still absolutely deeply in love with you. I feel like It's just stupidity taking over at this point but I can't tell anymore.

I tell you I want you, I tell you I love you too. I tell you that you're amazing, I tell you that I never want you to leave me. 

I tell you all these idealic things, but I can't finish this sentence because I don't know what you think. 

You don't talk to me for at minimum of two weeks after this wonderful night I replay in my mind right before I go to sleep. I remind myself that you should be texting me any time now, and maybe you're just busy and that you'll squeeze me in.

Another day goes by, and I do the same. I beg myself to keep thinking that you will text me and tell me you love me.

But then another day goes by, and the process continues, but the only difference is that slowly at a time I start to lose hope. 

After the time those two weeks pass, my lovely feelings about you start to fade and the feeling and memories of awful things start to grow their place in my ruined mind. That's when you start texting me, and you do the same thing you did last time.

The process goes on, and on.

And on.

And on and on and on.

And on and on and on,

And on... on... on... on.....

This is why I'm here now. Because the process got up again and I'm realizing it is happening a little earlier than I usually do. This is why I'm writing, because I realized that I am basically nothing to you besides a little puppy you give little attention to. This is why I'm here, I am just speaking my mind because some of you find wisdom in my words, others relate, and some just enjoy to read such beautiful and broken words.

I am grateful for my readers, I am grateful for the people who can relate to me, I am grateful in general for the many things I have and the people I have met. Good or bad, they taught me something and they showed me something either beautiful or ugly in the world. These people have made me realize so many things and some of these things I'm still realizing. I've still got a lot to learn and that's okay. The only problem is, I'm learning a lot more than I should right now.

No one should have to go through these things as I have. Some people have the luxury of not, but some of us are less fortunate. 

I am an unfortunate person to have these things happened, especially considering I have so much to see in the world. But in reality I feel like people like me who have gone through these horrid things are actually more fortunate than people who don't. 

I don't want to have an existential crisis right now because I'm already on the verge of a breakdown, so I won't explain my reasoning right now.

But I'm sure people who have gone through some shit will understand what I am meaning. 

Right now, I am lying in bed, typing this out with a dog laying on my leg watching my boi Onion. I am so grateful for this life given. But with this brain understanding and comprehending situations and words a bit more advanced is making this life a little hard to live.

But these nice people and good influences coming along are making it okay. These bad things happen. I won't say for a reason because honestly, we don't and will probably never know why. So...

For now we just have to hope I suppose.

We'll just have to hope everything turns out fine

And that... These good people and situations occur more often than the bad ones.

We just gotta hope.

I suppose.

 I should be asleep right now. I have three finals to take tomorrow. It depresses me how I'm so physically stressed about it while mentally I'm like who cares, fail, at least it'll be over.. but literally, my insides keep flipping themselves because I am so worried I will fail. Tomorrow I am taking finals I am not worried about at all. On Wednesday are the ones I'm worried about. Legit, all the ones I'm not worried about are tomorrow, and they saved the most difficult for last. I wish it were the other way arounddd...

Sorry for my ranting, i am just triggered. I didnt get to study much today because i got called in for another nudes situation. Yes i know, twice in a semester. Gee Gabby, how do you pull that off

 I didn't write yesterday because I used it as a resting day due to the amount of sleep I haven't been getting. I did okay on my finals. The ones I did worst on was surprisingly my English one and my science. Yes, I know, you're probably like, "wtf gabby, you're a writer" Yeah, yeah, but the final had nothing to do with writing. 

It was over a book I didn't read half of because I had no interest in it. 

I almost got 100% on my math final, I was pretty proud of myself for it. 

*I ate three doughnuts because I deserved it*

My parents are kind of convinced I am depressed. I mean, yes, I am. But uhm, you just noticed now. I had a terrible argument with them yesterday about it, they called me ungrateful, lazy, and basically worded it as "you aren't the daughter we wanted". 

Today though, they woke me up saying they didn't mean any of it, but I'm sure that was a lie. 

But it's okay. I know I'm not real wanted around here, that's why I don't crowd around. Once I get my crap together, I swear I'm out of here. I don't feel too important here anyway. I'm basically a maid who just lives with them. I make dinner, I do the dishes, laundry, vacuuming... 

So on, and so on. 

I don't think I'm too depressed considering I still do these things. But when I think about it, I have to yell at myself to get up and do it. All I really do anymore is sleep and or watch romantic tv shows because I'm pathetic. 

But oh well.

I hope you all are doing well.

thanks for reading.