Lavengro by George Borrow (read me a book txt) 📕

I should never complete it; so I held on. I am almost afraid to state how many pages I wrote that day of the life of Joseph Sell.

From this time I proceeded in a somewhat more leisurely manner; but, as I drew nearer and nearer to the completion of my task, dreadful fears and despondencies came over me. It will be too late, thought I; by the time I have finished the work, the bookseller will have been supplied with a tale or a novel. Is it probable that, in a town like this, where talent is so abundant⁠—hungry talent too⁠—a bookseller can advertise for a tale or a novel, without being supplied with half a dozen in twenty-four hours? I may as well fling down my pen⁠—I am writing to no purpose. And these thoughts came over my mind so often, that at last, in utter despair, I flung down the pen. Whereupon the tempter within me said: “And, now you have flung down the pen, you may as well fling yourself out of the window; what remains for you to do?” Why, to take it up again, thought I to myself, for I did not like the latter suggestion at all⁠—and then forthwith I resumed the pen, and wrote with greater vigour than before, from about six o’clock in the evening until I could hardly see, when I rested for awhile, when the tempter within me again said, or appeared to say: “All you have been writing is stuff, it will never do⁠—a drug⁠—a mere drug;” and methought these last words were uttered in the gruff tones of the big publisher. “A thing merely to be sneezed at,” a voice like that of Taggart added; and then I seemed to hear a sternutation⁠—as I probably did, for, recovering from a kind of swoon, I found myself shivering with cold. The next day I brought my work to a conclusion.

But the task of revision still remained; for an hour or two I shrank from it, and remained gazing stupidly at the pile of paper which I had written over. I was all but exhausted, and I dreaded, on inspecting the sheets, to find them full of absurdities which I had paid no regard to in the furor of composition. But the task, however trying to my nerves, must be got over; at last, in a kind of desperation, I entered upon it. It was far from an easy one; there were, however, fewer errors and absurdities than I had anticipated. About twelve o’clock at night I had got over the task of revision. “Tomorrow, for the bookseller,” said I, as my head sank on the pillow. “Oh me!”

LVII

On arriving at the bookseller’s shop, I cast a nervous look at the window, for the purpose of observing whether the paper had been removed or not. To my great delight the paper was in its place; with a beating heart I entered, there was nobody in the shop; as I stood at the counter, however, deliberating whether or not I should call out, the door of what seemed to be a back-parlour opened, and out came a well-dressed ladylike female, of about thirty, with a good-looking and intelligent countenance. “What is your business, young man?” said she to me, after I had made her a polite bow. “I wish to speak to the gentleman of the house,” said I. “My husband is not within at present,” she replied; “what is your business?” “I have merely brought something to show him,” said I, “but I will call again.” “If you are the young gentleman who has been here before,” said the lady, “with poems and ballads, as, indeed, I know you are,” she added, smiling, “for I have seen you through the glass door, I am afraid it will be useless; that is,” she added with another smile, “if you bring us nothing else.” “I have not brought you poems and ballads now,” said I, “but something widely different; I saw your advertisement for a tale or a novel, and have written something which I think will suit; and here it is,” I added, showing the roll of paper which I held in my hand. “Well,” said the bookseller’s wife, “you may leave it, though I cannot promise you much chance of its being accepted. My husband has already had several offered to him; however, you may leave it; give it me. Are you afraid to entrust it to me?” she demanded somewhat hastily, observing that I hesitated. “Excuse me,” said I, “but it is all I have to depend upon in the world; I am chiefly apprehensive that it will not be read.” “On that point I can reassure you,” said the good lady, smiling, and there was now something sweet in her smile. “I give you my word that it shall be read; come again tomorrow morning at eleven, when, if not approved, it shall be returned to you.”

I returned to my lodging, and forthwith betook myself to bed, notwithstanding the earliness of the hour. I felt tolerably tranquil; I had now cast my last stake, and was prepared to abide by the result. Whatever that result might be, I could have nothing to reproach myself with; I had strained all the energies which nature had given me in order to rescue myself from the difficulties which surrounded me. I presently sank into a sleep, which endured during the remainder of the day, and the whole of the succeeding night. I awoke about nine on the morrow, and spent my last threepence on a breakfast somewhat more luxurious than the immediately preceding ones, for one penny of the sum was expended on the purchase of milk.

At the appointed hour I repaired to the house of the bookseller; the bookseller was in his shop. “Ah,” said he, as soon as I entered, “I am glad to see you.” There was an unwonted heartiness in the bookseller’s